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Started by Crayola on Apr 22, 2021 9:45:46 AM
Count Binface for London Mayor

Not going to lie, some of this manifesto I quite like. Full text in first post.

Crayola - 22 Apr 2021 09:45:49 (#1 of 34)

London Bridge to be renamed after Phoebe Waller.

Hammersmith Bridge to be repaired, and renamed Wayne after the former England international footballer.

Croydon to get a facelift, ironically.

No shop to be allowed to sell a croissant for more than £1.

Free parking between Vine Street and The Strand (for electric vehicles only)

HS2 protestors to be allowed to build their tunnel at Euston, all the way to Birmingham. To be followed by a second tunnel that links Birmingham to Manchester

Finish Crossrail.

At Trafalgar Square, Sir David Attenborough to be placed on the Fourth Plinth. Or a statue of him. Either’s fine.

Speaker phones on public transport to be banned. Offenders to be forced to watch the movie version of Cats every day for a year.

London to join the EU.

All government ministers’ pay, including the mayor’s, to be tied to that of nurses for the next 100 years.

Loud snacks to be banned from theatres.The Trocadero to be turned back into a truly top-notch video arcade.

Piers Corbyn to be banished to the Phantom Zone.

I will create a Smart Speaker’s Corner, replacing the usual nutters who stand around at Hyde Park Corner with state-of-the-art technology that (a) understands the Earth is round, and (b) will perform a fart sound on command. The current incumbents can only do the latter.

On one day every year, escalators on the Underground to be reversed, encouraging travellers to go up the down escalators and down the up ones, as a free gym and Gladiators simulator all in one.

Mask-wearing in public to be encouraged, during the pandemic and beyond.

The Royal Family to keep one of Buckingham Palace, Kensington Palace, St James’ Palace and Clarence House, with the rest gifted to the nation to help eradicate homelessness. If the royals complain that one palace isn’t enough, they will be forced to buy Crystal Palace FC.

The hand dryer in the gents’ toilet at the Crown & Treaty, Uxbridge, to be moved to a more sensible position.

Traitors’ Gate to be reopened for business, and to welcome Dido Harding on Day One. Ceefax to be brought back for all households within the M25.

solomongursky - 22 Apr 2021 09:46:55 (#2 of 34)

Polling the same as Laurence Fox, spent £5m less.

Crayola - 22 Apr 2021 09:47:19 (#3 of 34)

He's also level with Gammon the Gammon I believe.

HorstVogel - 22 Apr 2021 09:47:43 (#4 of 34)

puts Fox nicely in perspective

nemo75 - 22 Apr 2021 09:48:21 (#5 of 34)

Some good policies.

Crayola - 22 Apr 2021 09:50:57 (#6 of 34)

I'm up for the escalator and joining the EU.

And watching Cats could be a punishment for many transgressions.

solomongursky - 22 Apr 2021 09:51:32 (#7 of 34)

Gammons and his two million miles of tunnels under London is on 3%.

Crayola - 22 Apr 2021 09:52:00 (#8 of 34)

Fucking hell. That's a lot of stupid people.

Ginmonkey - 22 Apr 2021 09:52:40 (#9 of 34)

Does Gammons have any idea how much tunnelling costs? Clearly not.

Crayola - 22 Apr 2021 09:53:25 (#10 of 34)

He could employ the HS2 protesters. I bet they'd offer a good deal.

Crayola - 22 Apr 2021 09:54:00 (#11 of 34)

Or that guy in Hackney who was digging under his neighbours' gardens.

solomongursky - 22 Apr 2021 09:55:36 (#12 of 34)

No, he says the tunnels are already there and cyclists could use them. Fuck knows what he's going on about, I think he might be including telephone cable tunnels.

Ginmonkey - 22 Apr 2021 09:55:42 (#13 of 34)

The post office tunnel is teeny tiny. You couldn't walk or cycle in it.

We did use a cycle tunnel in Lyon - that was pretty awesome.

MontyPeculiar - 22 Apr 2021 09:58:07 (#14 of 34)

I've never been to the Crown & Treaty, but if their hand dryer is anything like the ones in Stranger Than Fiction (at 0.45) where the water would run down your sleeves, then he'd get my vote. If I lived in London. And used that pub.

Dementor - 22 Apr 2021 09:59:29 (#15 of 34)

This one resonated: The Trocadero to be turned back into a truly top-notch video arcade.

solomongursky - 22 Apr 2021 10:00:42 (#16 of 34)

"There are over 2 million miles of unused tunnels, streets, and chambers beneath London. This abandoned network was secretly built by the Ministry of Defence, Post Office, and BT. I want to convert these disused spaces into walkways, safe cycle lanes, and create the world’s first underground ‘Pod’ transport system."

The entire UK road network is only 200,000 miles.

browserbutton - 22 Apr 2021 10:00:52 (#17 of 34)

Will Count Binface the Usurper dare to meet Lord Buckethead in combat?

Ginmonkey - 22 Apr 2021 10:05:10 (#18 of 34)

#16 because there is nothing the public will like better than being forced to use tunnels and underpasses so life is slightly easier for drivers.

What a twat.

dreams99 - 22 Apr 2021 10:05:41 (#19 of 34)

He's not entirely serious. You might have deduced that from the bin on his head.

Ginmonkey - 22 Apr 2021 10:06:24 (#20 of 34)

I was referring to Gammons, who I understand is entirely serious.

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