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Started by HouseOfLametta on Jun 30, 2020 9:48:05 PM
A thread to post like Alan Bennett.

I said, "it might be nice for a change, you know, typing in Yorkshire".

She said "I don't think I'd like it, I didn't like the Stanley Unwin one."

I put the kettle on.

HouseOfLametta - 30 Jun 2020 21:56:00 (#1 of 20)

"I don't really mind if it doesn't work" I said.

She said "No, you never do, that's the trouble".

I said "do you like rissoles? With a nice bit of salad"

"No" she said.

InternationalVicar - 30 Jun 2020 21:56:59 (#2 of 20)

I'm never really sure about these "threads", they call them.

HouseOfLametta - 30 Jun 2020 22:01:41 (#3 of 20)

I've often thought they were only there because people round here count themselves too refined to scrawl on toilet walls.

InternationalVicar - 30 Jun 2020 22:20:32 (#4 of 20)

Like the first time I encountered a scone in a hotel. Harrogate it was. Very awkward experience.

breakfast - 30 Jun 2020 22:28:21 (#5 of 20)

I overheard a couple talking at the next table. They were having Assam tea with their scones. And jam and cream, of course. "You know" she said "Ellen really hasn't been the same since she had her breakdown". "I know" he said "and she was just so ordinary before she fell in her love with her boy - 15 he was."

I decided to write a monologue about it.

breakfast - 30 Jun 2020 22:39:36 (#6 of 20)

"This would never have happened in Ilkley" he said.

InternationalVicar - 30 Jun 2020 23:03:15 (#7 of 20)

Of course Ilkley isn't what it was, I thought, but then it hasn't changed at all, except for the middle managers. What are they hoping for, I ask myself?

carterbrandon - 01 Jul 2020 00:40:39 (#8 of 20)

I was halfway through the tale of that Grassington incident when Stephen from the garage interjected something a bit tasteless about sheep farming. He's from Liverpool. I don't really care for a brash type of humour. Anyroad, they all fell about laughing. I didn't bother to finish. When the hilarity died down Sandra came straight in with something about her ailment, and I thought it best to let it go.

browserbutton - 01 Jul 2020 06:10:35 (#9 of 20)

I said to that young girl in the butcher's: "Have you got any brains?"

We both had to laugh then.

FleurDuMal - 02 Jul 2020 09:51:23 (#10 of 20)

A bit of prawn salad and some people think they've arrived.

browserbutton - 02 Jul 2020 10:29:33 (#11 of 20)

Gladys said come away from that window, what are you doing with binoculars anyway?

I said shush woman, I’m trying to focus on a Camberwell beauty, sunning on the neighbour’s lawn.

She said but we’re not in Camberwell.

I said it’s a butterfly, you daft 'apeth. Honestly, that woman.

annetjie - 02 Jul 2020 10:42:53 (#12 of 20)

"I see she's off again with her fancy man", Muriel half-tutted down her ample nostrils, as she peered though and between the floral netting.

"What he'll make of those cheap custard cremes is anyone's guess!"

breakfast - 02 Jul 2020 10:45:53 (#13 of 20)

Bob is very fond of fancies with his tea, Pauline told me.

annetjie - 02 Jul 2020 10:53:35 (#14 of 20)

Ina was fond of the classics, "that Mr Darcy would know his way around a nice bit of topiary".

Arjuna - 02 Jul 2020 10:56:16 (#15 of 20)

Shouldn't there be just one poster on this thread?

breakfast - 02 Jul 2020 10:56:40 (#16 of 20)

She said she wasn't so keen on Sense and Sensibility though. It wasn't one of her thrillers, she said.

breakfast - 02 Jul 2020 10:59:23 (#17 of 20)

We are all one poster.

HouseOfLametta - 02 Jul 2020 11:46:42 (#18 of 20)

She said: "I'm not, but you are!"

Childish really, she's never as clever as she makes out.

Post deleted by user
Catspyjamas17 - 11 Jul 2020 09:53:48 (#20 of 20)

She said she wanted Granary bread. No better than she ought to be that one, I thought, but I didn't say anything.

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