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Started by AppleCatcher on Aug 12, 2021 12:25:55 PM
Bleepy appliances

They never stop. The diswasher goes BEEP BEEP BEEEP (silence) BEEEEEP. The fridge complains loudly if you spend more than 1/2 a second trying to find something inside.

The washing machine. The bloody washing machine sings twelve fucking bars of the Schubert's schöne Müllerin when it's done. And the coffee machine! Passive aggressive little twat.

Talk about your appliance woes here.

AppleCatcher - 12 Aug 2021 12:26:17 (#1 of 112)

This is my first thread in about 10 years. I chose a suitably important subject.

FGBFGB - 12 Aug 2021 13:28:05 (#2 of 112)

Are you sure it's not your spouse using a device to annoy you as revenge for some real or imagined misdemeanour?

See the ATBU thread for further details

AppleCatcher - 12 Aug 2021 12:29:05 (#3 of 112)

Although she does bleep, occasionally, she's far better behaved than most of the house's time so-called saving devices.

bossab2 - 12 Aug 2021 13:32:45 (#4 of 112)

The bloody washing machine sings twelve fucking bars of the Schubert's schöne Müllerin when it's done.

Just download a new ringtone

FGBFGB - 12 Aug 2021 13:33:27 (#5 of 112)

You are lucky it's not the Birdy Song.

AppleCatcher - 12 Aug 2021 12:34:40 (#6 of 112)

I dread to think what would happen if any of the fuckers were connected. Terminator is nothing on what the microwave would do if it had access to the internet.

Tinymcsmithy - 12 Aug 2021 13:36:13 (#7 of 112)

My microwave makes bleeping noises for some time after the door is opened and the contents have been removed. Shut the fuck up you noisy cunt.

FleurDuMal - 12 Aug 2021 13:39:55 (#8 of 112)

My bloody alarm clock bleeps and wakes me up!

Macpaddy - 12 Aug 2021 13:39:56 (#9 of 112)

I think they should all have pre alarm beeps.

AppleCatcher - 12 Aug 2021 12:40:43 (#10 of 112)

And reminder bleeps whenever they disagree with something you did.

tasselhoff - 12 Aug 2021 13:42:29 (#11 of 112)

The only appliance that beeps reasonably is the oven. The others keep reminding you every 30 seconds or worse (yes, I'm looking at you, McGyvered chest freezer that now works as a fridge).

bossab2 - 12 Aug 2021 13:42:51 (#12 of 112)

I dread to think what would happen if any of the fuckers were connected

You wait until the fridge is intelligent - and can give 'dietary advice'

AppleCatcher - 12 Aug 2021 12:43:40 (#13 of 112)

Does anyone really need to know that a dishwasher cycle is over? What are you expected to do? Empty it and suffer third degree burns on the scalding crockery?

AppleCatcher - 12 Aug 2021 12:44:23 (#14 of 112)

You wait until the fridge is intelligent

The contents of my fridge are more intelligent than most life, as evidenced on the internet. Certainly the cheese is, at any rate.

bossab2 - 12 Aug 2021 13:45:21 (#15 of 112)

My washing machine actually turns itself off entirely when left.

Which is a pain in the arse as there is nothing to remind you that it still contains soggy clothing.

AppleCatcher - 12 Aug 2021 12:46:10 (#16 of 112)

Would you rather it played chamber music on a casio keyboard ca. 1982, like mine?

helbel - 12 Aug 2021 13:46:33 (#17 of 112)

All modern washing machines and dishwashers have a sequence of key presses that turn off the bleeping.


AppleCatcher - 12 Aug 2021 12:47:30 (#18 of 112)

Stop machinesplaining machines to me.

Verdigris - 12 Aug 2021 12:48:42 (#19 of 112)

Actually a washing machine beep, activated by an approaching person, would be useful. I have to leave the laundry basket in front of mine, to remind me there are clothes within, if I leave the house while the machine is on.

FleurDuMal - 12 Aug 2021 13:49:46 (#20 of 112)

You wait until the fridge is intelligent - and can give 'dietary advice'

Hah, can you imagine?

Put the chocolate back, you fat fuck - there’s plenty of lettuce in the salad drawer!

bossab2 - 12 Aug 2021 13:49:51 (#21 of 112)

Would you rather it played chamber music on a casio keyboard ca. 1982, like mine?

Nope. Just leaving the word 'end' on the display would be good

AppleCatcher - 12 Aug 2021 12:51:15 (#22 of 112)

Put the chocolate back

What sort of monster puts the chocolate in the fridge anyway?

toffle - 12 Aug 2021 13:54:31 (#23 of 112)

A monster who likes their chocolate in solid form.

toffle - 12 Aug 2021 13:55:36 (#24 of 112)

Hah, can you imagine?

I'm imagining something like:

Give me the chocolate, HAL.

I'm sorry Dave, I can't do that.

melpomene - 12 Aug 2021 13:56:27 (#25 of 112)

My washing machine sings to me too. it's quite helpful if an annoying tune which I can't quite place or bother to find out. But it's not as annoying as 'please move roomba', when the lazy bastard isn't caught under anything, it's just sat under the spare bed. It has an attitude problem, that thing. Or J Edgar, as it is known in our house.

melpomene - 12 Aug 2021 13:57:34 (#26 of 112)

Also on the rare occasions I buy chocolate, it goes in the fridge. Which doens't talk to me. MrM's choclate purchases, much more frequent, don't last long enough to justify the fridge.

wickeltisch - 12 Aug 2021 13:59:07 (#27 of 112)

Bleeping washing machines? What modern stuff is that?

<Looks at 25-year-old machine that keeps silent apart from noisy spin circle>

widenation - 12 Aug 2021 14:02:53 (#28 of 112)

When you upgrade your machine you may find that it destroys your clothes.

wickeltisch - 12 Aug 2021 14:04:45 (#29 of 112)

It certainly eats socks. You put in pairs and for some only one sock comes back out.

Verdigris - 12 Aug 2021 13:07:17 (#30 of 112)

But it's not as annoying as 'please move roomba'

The Grim Sweeper announcing "charging complete" in an unnecessarily loud voice, in the early hours, is annoying. Especially as charging was completed many hours ago and the fucker has been sitting idle in the meantime.

melpomene - 12 Aug 2021 14:12:26 (#31 of 112)

I guess at least the 'please' is polite.

I like 'the Grim Sweeper' as a name.

TheExcession - 12 Aug 2021 14:24:13 (#32 of 112)

I think we're only a handful of years away from the hell that is Red Dwarf's Talky Toaster.

wickeltisch - 12 Aug 2021 14:25:12 (#33 of 112)

Wait till you open the fridge door to take out some bacon and beer and the fridge starts telling you to live more healthily.

TheExcession - 12 Aug 2021 14:26:56 (#34 of 112)

Also: I refuse to talk TO appliances unless they can act upon the words 'fuck off'.

melpomene - 12 Aug 2021 14:28:27 (#35 of 112)

Oh I don't talk 'to' them, just at them. See also: the cats. And in fact one of them makes a noise suspiciously like a bleep.

limegreen - 12 Aug 2021 14:28:41 (#36 of 112)

Unauthorised Bread is a novella about immigration and exploitation and not being allowed to use anything but the official approved bread in your toaster.

Tenesmus - 12 Aug 2021 14:40:35 (#37 of 112)

The tumble drier beeps every five minutes to remind you it's finished. For ever, as far as I can tell.

The fridge beeps insistently if you leave the door open for more than a minute. Except it doesn't. It beeps if the light is on for more than a minute which, as you can open the door so far without the light coming on, is the shittest piece of design ever.

Verdigris - 12 Aug 2021 14:46:05 (#38 of 112)

Out of three, only the big freezer is a beeper. Woe betide you if you spend too long deciding which variety of Not-Magnum to consume in front of the only-beeps-when-the-EPG-is-activated giant telly.

Ginmonkey - 12 Aug 2021 16:20:06 (#39 of 112)

My washing machine is a bleeper. Our flat main doors also bleep insistently at you if you leave them open.

staticgirl - 12 Aug 2021 16:23:46 (#40 of 112)

When my mobile goes 'beep-boop' when I put it on the charger, I 'beep-boop' back at it.

The microwave though. It beeps 5 times. Not 4 or 8, a nice round number. It annoys me.

Verdigris - 12 Aug 2021 15:29:40 (#41 of 112)

The microwave though. It beeps 5 times. Not 4 or 8, a nice round number.

I've never counted the beeps on the Panasonic combi-oven. Does it have differing beep counts for different modes? There's only one way to find out...

Verdigris - 12 Aug 2021 15:32:07 (#42 of 112)


moto748 - 12 Aug 2021 16:45:15 (#43 of 112)

I abandoned washing machines about fifteen years ago and I've never looked back.


I refuse to talk TO appliances unless...

This. But unless nothing.

tasselhoff - 12 Aug 2021 16:49:18 (#44 of 112)

Unless they get angry

fogsake - 12 Aug 2021 16:52:04 (#45 of 112)

American stuff is communicative.

Lived for years in a tiny apartment with a microwave that dings one time like a Chinese bike bell to remind me it is done. That's it. No idea what my washing machine does. It's in a waschkeller and I never felt like hanging out.

Didn't realise houses had got so bleepy.

Tenesmus - 12 Aug 2021 15:55:51 (#46 of 112)

The breadmaker emits three long beeps at the end.

Verdigris - 12 Aug 2021 15:59:50 (#47 of 112)


fogsake - 12 Aug 2021 17:04:21 (#48 of 112)

Who forgets they put the coffee on in the morning?

Assisted living time.

wickeltisch - 12 Aug 2021 17:11:04 (#49 of 112)

I abandoned washing machines about fifteen years ago

<wonders if there is a shelter for abandoned washing machines>

tasselhoff - 12 Aug 2021 17:11:38 (#50 of 112)


AppleCatcher - 12 Aug 2021 16:12:34 (#51 of 112)

The Royal Society for the Protection of Commercial Washing Machines?

fogsake - 12 Aug 2021 17:24:09 (#52 of 112)

Whoever designed our dryer was daydreaming about an old school Star Trek ICU.

browserbutton - 12 Aug 2021 17:47:00 (#53 of 112)

We have a Neff induction hob which bleeps furiously if you put anything down on it that it doesn't like. This is accompanied by blinking red lights. Annoying.

AppleCatcher - 12 Aug 2021 16:49:55 (#54 of 112)

Oh yes. The induction plate is a whingey twat.

Ginmonkey - 12 Aug 2021 18:13:22 (#55 of 112)

My work Surface Pro is always making various pinging noises. At least I can mute that.

moto748 - 12 Aug 2021 18:48:28 (#56 of 112)

Ah. At first I was thinking that must be some sort of chopping board...

Ginmonkey - 12 Aug 2021 18:55:25 (#57 of 112)

No, a stupid little tablet/laptop hybrid with short battery life and a keyboard that detaches itself at inopportune moments.

carterbrandon - 12 Aug 2021 21:26:22 (#58 of 112)

Ray Bradbury wrote "The Murderer" about someone who decided to 'murder' all the annoying beepy things in his smart home. In entertaining ways. It contains a pitch-perfect mockery of a busload of people having stupid conversations about where the bus is on its route into their Apple Watches.

Written in 1952

Cavewoman - 12 Aug 2021 22:18:13 (#59 of 112)

My cooker is bluetooth-enabled, FFS. The timer on it (the emission from which of a timely ping or two would be welcome could I persuade it to function) is so complicated that I've failed to understand it for two years and instead use a wind-up clockwork one.

Verdigris - 12 Aug 2021 21:23:14 (#60 of 112)

Sounds like the timer on my boiler. Even with the instruction book I couldn't figure it out. The plumber says he doesn't know anyone who has sussed it, either.

I just turn it off with the mains switch when heat and/or hot water are not required.

bossab2 - 12 Aug 2021 22:24:58 (#61 of 112)

My washing machine has 5 million controls.

I figured out one which works for my clothing and I just use that.

hailesaladdie - 12 Aug 2021 22:32:08 (#62 of 112)

I once stayed in a hotel in Kanazawa that had kettle that played a bleepy version of Minuet in C when it boiled.

Made me want to sit my grade 1 piano again with a cup of sencha, it did.

AppleCatcher - 13 Aug 2021 07:02:11 (#63 of 112)

There's probably a Hiroshige print of that scene.

TheExcession - 13 Aug 2021 09:10:25 (#64 of 112)

Rather reminds me of the courtesy car I was loaned earlier in the year. It was like trying to learn how to work the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. I had to dig the manual out of the glove compartment just to work out how to turn the heating down.

bossab2 - 13 Aug 2021 09:12:26 (#65 of 112)

I'm pleased to see The Starship Enterprise being given as the go to reference for complexity.

My younger colleagues didnt get it.

bossab2 - 13 Aug 2021 09:13:56 (#66 of 112)

Although I'd go with the Space shuttle nowadays:

Ginmonkey - 13 Aug 2021 09:14:53 (#67 of 112)

#64 that reminds me of when I got a hire care with a botton rather than a handbrake. It threw me in to a lot of confusion.

fogsake - 13 Aug 2021 09:24:10 (#68 of 112)

Classic Star Trek tech was designed to for bad actors to stare at and talk crap about while it modulated and flashed.

Now it's science fact it isn't all that.

AppleCatcher - 13 Aug 2021 08:35:30 (#69 of 112)

Whenever I get a Japanese rental car I despair. So many buttons. In different formats, in different places.

The first time I had a Prius, it took me two days to work out how to change the radio station.

carterbrandon - 13 Aug 2021 12:54:21 (#70 of 112)

#57: My 'not understanding my own car' story:

Verdigris - 13 Aug 2021 11:59:23 (#71 of 112)

Ha! I remember being bamboozled by one of those gear sticks. I'm trying to think which car it was on. I can only conclude it was the Vauxhall Vectra I got lumbered with as a company car.

Vauxhall: Making shit cars for as long as anybody can remember.

bossab2 - 13 Aug 2021 13:03:14 (#72 of 112)

Fords used to not have an internal bonnet release.

They had a little keyhole hidden behind the badge on the grill.

TheExcession - 13 Aug 2021 13:40:20 (#73 of 112)

I had a 1996 Corsa that was practically bomb proof and needed very little upkeep. The later models appear to be made out of egg boxes and tinfoil, and have Fiat engines that fall to pieces. At least judging by the one I had. I think so many things went wrong with it and needed replacing that by the time I finally got rid of it last year I'd actually bought the car all over again, piece by piece.

Lento_ - 13 Aug 2021 14:04:49 (#74 of 112)

I use the timer on my smart speaker quite a lot to remind me when my tea is ready to have the bag taken out. Unfortunately this has now lead to me having a Pavlovian response to it. Whenever it beeps because someone in my family has set an alarm on it I get the urge to have a cuppa.

Macpaddy - 13 Aug 2021 16:54:41 (#75 of 112)

#73. I have never met anyone was was satisfied having bought a Corsa. Vauxhall's are, by and large, shit.

Verdigris - 13 Aug 2021 15:56:05 (#76 of 112)

Bits, literally, come off in your hand, IME.

wickeltisch - 13 Aug 2021 16:59:40 (#77 of 112)

Vauxhall's are, by and large, shit

<sad eyes of Adam Opel>

Macp is right though.

mingmong - 13 Aug 2021 17:03:57 (#78 of 112)

Welcome back APPLES

bleepiness is one the reasons I've been avoiding WhatsApp, which everyone keeps telling me "is amazing! you can send messages! upload content!! have group discussions!1!!" (as if you can't do that on just about anything else from email onwards)

What they don't mention it that bleeps at you everytime someone uploads an emojee, types some inane hashtag or belches out whatever other pearls of wisdom. Imagine if FB or Twitter did that, your phone would be on continuous bleep

Verdigris - 13 Aug 2021 16:40:33 (#79 of 112)

<clutches pearls and thanks the deities for JtT>

limegreen - 13 Aug 2021 17:55:21 (#80 of 112)

You can mute individual chats and just go in and look at them when you want to

OldLefty - 13 Aug 2021 17:57:29 (#81 of 112)


My first encounter with one of those was around 1980 with a factory pool car. I got the keys from the security booth then started to do a 3-point turn to get out of the gate. I was broadside across the main road to goods inward, with the driver of a stonking great lorry trying to make a delivery glaring at me. I had to go back to the security booth and ask them how to get the thing to reverse.

mingmong - 13 Aug 2021 18:55:28 (#82 of 112)

#80, thanks, but I still don't see what unique and indispensible benefit WhatsApp would bring to my life. I get that a lot of people use it and like, and there's nothing wrong with that. But I already waste enough time on this place and on FB. Time and effort is probably the greater limiting factor, more so than bleepiness

bossab2 - 13 Aug 2021 19:38:31 (#83 of 112)

but I still don't see what unique and indispensible benefit WhatsApp would bring to my life.

You can tell your mates to use it for sending out gifs of kittens, rather than shitting up your email account.

And then turn off the notifications sound so that you can ignore the inane chatter.

thatshallot - 13 Aug 2021 18:43:39 (#84 of 112)

The dishwasher has an unobtrusive beep when it finishes and while it's on a little beam of red light shines on the floor to tell you that it is working and for teeny tiny aliens to aim their teleporter just for the hell of it.

The washing machine could learn a lot from that dishwasher.

bossab2 - 13 Aug 2021 19:46:16 (#85 of 112)

I'm noticing that electric cars make loud beeping sounds when they park.

A IC engine is much less annoying.

Verdigris - 13 Aug 2021 18:46:57 (#86 of 112)

Certainly less annoying than you.

Ginmonkey - 13 Aug 2021 19:47:27 (#87 of 112)

#78 mute your phone like every normal person.

carterbrandon - 13 Aug 2021 21:57:13 (#88 of 112)

I had to go back to the security booth and ask them how to get the thing to reverse.

To this day I don't know why I didn't just get the manual out of the glovebox and look it up. Especially as I write the damn things for a living.

bossab2 - 13 Aug 2021 22:19:44 (#89 of 112)

The trouble with car manuals is that they contain all the info on the Super Delux model gadgets which - as you have the cheap version, even if you go hunting for them you wont find them.

JennyRad - 13 Aug 2021 21:24:02 (#90 of 112)

Or, when it's a hire car, it can be in a language you don't understand the nuances of. (The first time I hired a car abroad, I panicked completely when the tank was running empty because I had no idea whether I needed diesel or petrol and I certainly couldn't work it out from the manual in my almost-non-existent Greek. Luckily I was at a Linux event at which there were some locals who were able to help me out - and it turns out they don't even have diesel cars.)

TheExcession - 14 Aug 2021 00:05:11 (#91 of 112)

#89 This. Half the fucking manual is usually taken up with shit you'll never use on features on the in car entertainment system you don't have. But the stuff you actually need to drive the thing beyond the basic controls or do basic maintenance is more of a footnote.

Loogoo - 14 Aug 2021 00:41:07 (#92 of 112)

Everything beeps... so much so I beep after folding the laundry.. and I beep really loud if there is pile needing folding..

bossab2 - 14 Aug 2021 07:36:58 (#93 of 112)

Douglas Adams of course predicted all this in the 70s

As the door closed behind them it became apparent that it did indeed have a satisfied sigh-like quality to it. “Hummmmmmmyummmmmmm ah!” it said.

wickeltisch - 14 Aug 2021 08:37:19 (#94 of 112)

I write the damn things for a living

<Remembers incomprehensible manuals. Glowers at cb>

carterbrandon - 14 Aug 2021 09:46:51 (#95 of 112)

Not mine - I have copious trade press reviews to prove it, luvvie.

carterbrandon - 14 Aug 2021 10:19:47 (#96 of 112)

Sometimes there are obscure menu options to turn beepings off. My microwave has that. Certainly worth a look, if you are very beep-averse.

bossab2 - 14 Aug 2021 10:26:54 (#97 of 112)

Tsk. I want beep 'options'

carterbrandon - 14 Aug 2021 10:30:17 (#98 of 112)

Think of default beeping as a positive choice to improve and normalise accessibility, and give thanks you have all your senses.

OldLefty - 14 Aug 2021 11:15:07 (#99 of 112)

I remember ICL manuals. Usually if you knew enough about whatever you wanted to do to understand the relevant manual section, you wouldn't need to look it up in the manual.

thePiMan - 20 Aug 2021 08:25:35 (#100 of 112)

What sort of monster puts the chocolate in the fridge anyway?

The sort of monster who doesn't have a freezer.

OneOfOne - 20 Aug 2021 08:44:27 (#101 of 112)

Top tip

On supermarket robo tills there is usually an audio button onscreen somewhere to mute the thing.

hailesaladdie - 20 Aug 2021 08:48:02 (#102 of 112)

Yes, but then you'll keep thinking the next till's noise is yours and end up with multiple UIITBAs or scanning your ready meal eleventy times.

Verdigris - 13 Sep 2021 19:17:58 (#103 of 112)

As noted above, the Grim Sweeper is apt to remind me that its battery is full, at not always suitable times.

Just now, this reached a new level, with it repeating the announcement every 30 seconds, or so. I think that mean, "Clean the floor, you dirty squalid bastard, before my fucking battery explodes", in machine-speak.

The floors are now being cleaned.

OldLefty - 13 Sep 2021 21:58:54 (#104 of 112)

One place I worked, one of the bosses (an American) had a talking car. If anyone came too close, it announced, in a strong American accent, "If you do not move away, an alarm will sound".

It kept the local kids occupied for hours.

kvelertak - 14 Sep 2021 07:30:16 (#105 of 112)

In a previous job, the numpty colleagues in Marketing put a small talking doll street cop into the in tray outside their own office and directly opposite my work area, so that every time someone walked past it announced "Step. Away. From the cookie jar".

Reader, I smashed it.

carterbrandon - 14 Sep 2021 08:35:59 (#106 of 112)

The BIOS group wired a sensor so that when you walked into their area, a speaker played the Star Trek door-opening noise.

TheExcession - 14 Sep 2021 08:44:21 (#107 of 112)

#101 The ones in our local Co-op are the worst. There is only room for one bag in the bagging area, yet removing one bag of shopping to fill another confuses them. The sensors are so sensitive that even lightly brushing the bagging area with an empty carrier bag sends them into a 'please wait for the assistant' loop. This sensitivity, however, does not extend to adding light items to a bag of shopping already in the bagging area where it refuses to acknowledge that you've placed a magazine/greetings card etc in your bag and sits there intoning 'please place the item in the bag'.

The single member of staff usually on duty is becoming used to my swears.

fogsake - 14 Sep 2021 08:50:01 (#108 of 112)

I want a Star Trek door-opening noise sensor now.

Tenesmus - 14 Sep 2021 11:13:49 (#109 of 112)

Dubris - 07 Oct 2021 20:00:57 (#110 of 112)

I love the beeping from my car's front and rear parking sensors. Very useful indeed.

AdonisBlue - 07 Oct 2021 21:17:44 (#111 of 112)

I have a Bosch washing machine that beeps loudly when it finishes to demand you empty it immediately. "Schnell! Schnell! Empty me now!!"

mingmong - 07 Oct 2021 21:58:44 (#112 of 112)

The Android ringtone Sizzle would seem to be effectively silent, for those looking to muffle the pings

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