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Started by Arjuna on Aug 28, 2020 6:22:17 PM
Sex Crazed Spiders "the size of your hand" are about to invade YOUR home

Sex-hungry spiders "the size of your hand" are set to invade British homes - and their arrival is imminent.

The colossal creepy-crawlies are on the prowl for sexual partners and will be seeking out the warm and dry spots in your home

Arjuna - 28 Aug 2020 18:22:37 (#1 of 113)

Just checked

Cannot see any

Tadagee - 28 Aug 2020 18:24:26 (#2 of 113)

How do you know how big my hands are anyway?

Arjuna - 28 Aug 2020 18:29:25 (#3 of 113)

The spiders can change shape and adjust to the size of your hands.

WibbleAgain - 28 Aug 2020 18:32:09 (#4 of 113)

Spider the size of your hand? They're crabs. Steam or boil and eat with sauce.

slicey - 28 Aug 2020 18:35:34 (#5 of 113)

HOME OWNER LEFT FREAKED AFTER MASSIVE SPIDER 'ATTACKS' HIS RING says the link. Which sounds even worse than when they drink out of your eyes while you sleep.

browserbutton - 28 Aug 2020 18:44:08 (#6 of 113)

'long-legged Lotharios'

wickeltisch - 28 Aug 2020 18:45:57 (#7 of 113)

First drunk German wasps, now sex crazed spiders - what will be next?

slicey - 28 Aug 2020 18:55:00 (#8 of 113)

Coked up moths.

TheExcession - 28 Aug 2020 19:05:43 (#9 of 113)

This happens every year. Mostly they're Tegenaria Giganticas and the females are quite large, compared to most British spiders.

They aren't the size of your hand though, more like 4" across at the most.

RosyLovelady - 28 Aug 2020 19:07:21 (#10 of 113)

They're already here, getting themselves trapped in the bath tub for MrRosy to rescue.

TheExcession - 28 Aug 2020 19:10:44 (#11 of 113)

The forests in the mountains of Taiwan were full of spiders early this year when we visited. They were so large that you could see them out of the car window whilst passing.

The toilets at the rest stop we called at were... interesting. It does give you pause for thought when you're stood there with your bits hanging out and you spot a spider hanging above you that looks like something out of Lord of the Rings.

Tadagee - 28 Aug 2020 19:11:10 (#12 of 113)

Donald Trump thought he'd seen one.

But it turned out to be a money spider.

cozzer - 28 Aug 2020 19:13:42 (#13 of 113)

It does give you pause for thought when you're stood there with your bits hanging out and you spot a spider hanging above you

spider hanging above you is less concerning than spiders elsewhere.

I once went in a classic outback long drop toilet, so just a hole in a plank. All the advice is to check for redbacks before sitting down, but given that it was dark, I wasn't sure how best to do that. I suppose running your hand around the underside of the seat was better than being bitten elsewhere.

TheExcession - 28 Aug 2020 19:21:22 (#14 of 113)

I'm not generally afraid of spiders, but I think that scenario would cause me to recreate the bit in 'Aliens' where Ripley tapes a flamethrower to a pulse rifle and takes a shit load of grenades as well, before wading in.

slicey - 28 Aug 2020 19:29:31 (#15 of 113)

Tarantula YouTube is great and they are such fascinating, and often beautiful, creatures you will soon get over your fears and be telling your Grammastolas (quite chill) from your Orange Baboons (bad ass).

These are the best two channels IME.

browserbutton - 28 Aug 2020 19:30:54 (#16 of 113)

The colossal creepy-crawlies are on the prowl for sexual partners

Gavin 'Stupid Boy' Williamson always keeps a tarantula in his trolleys.

HouseOfLametta - 28 Aug 2020 20:00:25 (#17 of 113)


What do these massive spiders want to have sex with your hand?

tasselhoff - 28 Aug 2020 20:01:49 (#18 of 113)

You need to use both hands to make a tiny vagina for it.

tasselhoff - 28 Aug 2020 20:02:33 (#19 of 113)

No, wait, doesn't that require two people?

HouseOfLametta - 28 Aug 2020 20:04:41 (#20 of 113)

So your hand can't get pregnant and one day you have a funny itch and when you look carefully there are hundreds of tiny spiderlings chewing their way out from under your nails?

That's a relief.

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